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Jost and Che in WWE (Transcript)
Here's the transcript of Jost and Che in WWE. RAW March 4, 2019 Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 WWE.com Exclusive Charly Caruso: Well, WWE Universe, it is my pleasure to be standing backstage with two of SNL's finest. Michael Che and Colin Jost. Guys, a lot of things happen at Monday night RAW. But it's safe to say, at least in my opinion, that you've never been dangled from a wall by a monster. Colin Jost: I have not, I don't know about you, Michael. But that was definitely a first for me. Michael Che: I told you not to wear the hat, and you wore the hat. Jost: I usually, I'm really good at reading a room, and I thought the people of Philadelphia would find it funny, I don't know. Che: Well they didn't, Colin, they didn't. And now we gotta use the bathroom together all the time, or else some of us is gonna get hurt. Jost: You know what, I was surprised that Braun Strowman, a lot shorter than I thought, seemed almost a little weaker in person, you know. Do they edit out some muscles, or I don't know what happen there. Che: You're not a smart man. Jost: What? We're not gonna see him again. I mean, where would I even run into him? Che: WrestleMania, Colin. Jost: He wasn't serious. Che: He's very serious. Jost: Look, I'm sure he's a reasonable man. Che: You better do something nice for him. Jost: Well, maybe I can write him a nice note, maybe send him a little gift and smooth things over. Caruso: I-I-I don't- I don't know about that, I mean he didn't seem to take too kind to your workout comments. I-I thought you were being rather nice there but, I know it seems that his sense of humor is you know a little bit of dry these days. Che: I don't know, maybe I'll explain it better in writing or sort of lay it out, so he gets it. What do you think, is that good? RAW March 25, 2019￼ (A Moment of Bliss) Alexa Bliss: Welcome to A Moment of Bliss. I don't know what it is, But ever since I became the host to WrestleMania the show just keeps getting better and better. For the first time ever. The women of WWE will main event. That is just incredible and, Am I good or what? But I will say, I'm a little bit of a crossroads right now because I am less than two weeks away from one of the greatest moments of my career hosting WrestleMania, and I feel like, That moment and my reputation is in jeopardy because of the issues going on between my guests tonight. Let's take a look. MARCH 4, 2019 3 WEEKS AGO MARCH 11, 2019 2 WEEKS AGO OVER Bliss: Yeah; that, That looks like a recipe for a public relations disaster. So I'm hoping tonight's moment of bliss is more of a moment of healing. So please welcome my first guest "the monster among men" Braun Strowman. Crowd of Boston: Cheers Strowman entrance Bliss: First off welcome. Now, Braun. We've all seen what happens when you let your temper get the best of you. Now, If we remember correctly you've flipped an ambulance with Roman Reigns in it? Braun Strowman: Yup. Bliss: You've, Brought down the Monday Night Raw set onto "the beast" Brock Lesnar? Strowman: That's right. Bliss: And, let's not forget you've completely destroyed Mr. McMahon's limousine. Strowman: Sure did. Bliss: So my question for you is, What were to happen if Michael Che and Colin Jost were, I don't know, To get those hands. Strowman: You know they're saying it's the thought that counts right? When I saw that little red convertible that Colin tried to give to me? the only thing I thought about was smash and his pasty face. Bliss: A little intense. But you know what, Braun, Thank you for sharing your feelings because that is the first step in the healing process. The second step, Is listening which I hope you're willing to take this next step. As I introduce my next guest live via satellite all the way from New York City. They are the special guest correspondents of WrestleMania, Michael Che and Colin Jost. Michael Che: Hi. Colin Jost: Hi. Hey, Braun. Hi, you're looking well. Listen, guys. Last time, we were on RAW in Philly and I made a dumb mistake and I put on a Mets hat. But don't worry, I've learned my lesson. And tonight I'm not going to put on a Mets hat. Colin puts on a Yankees hat. Crowd of Boston: Boo Che: Braun, Braun first off as a life long WWE fan. And a fan of yours. I love your hands. I just wanna say, I respect the hell out of you. But I also need to say you crossed the line. I mean you're the one who jacked up Colin over this whole thing. I mean, now I know Colin isn't as funny as anybody but he's a good guy. Jost: Yeah, look, I am a good guy, okay, Braun? And when I put in my Twitter bio that I wanted to be a mentor to you, I was being sincere, okay? I went to Harvard, okay? My parents paid millions of dollars to get me on the Women's Cross Country Team at Harvard. So I really think that there are a few things I can teach a monster like you. Like how to chew food. Che: Boy. Jost: Or, how to read a newspaper or how to do your taxes. And look Braun, I know you're a big tough guy. You're probably what, 511? 180 pounds? But don't you think we can handle this like adults? Che: You... You're not helping man. Look, we're just trying to find a way to make this right, that's all. Crowd of Boston: insert chant here. Jost: Make it right? Che we sent this guy a car. let me ask you this Braun. have you ever considered therapy? Look, look, look, look, look. All I'm asking, all I'm asking Braun, is that you pay me back for the car you destroyed plus interest. And that you get me an autograph from my favorite wrestler, Brock Lesnar. Crowd of Boston: Boo Jost: Or else I don't know if we should even go to WrestleMania! Bliss: No, no, no, no, no, that's- that's not an option, we can't have that, we can't have that. Strowman; You know what you guys might be right. I might have an idea. Michael, you went to Instagram the other week and said that somebody needed to take care of this, whether it be emotionally, financially, or physically. I choose option number tree. You wanna make this right, then Colin, you'll enter the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania. Jost: Wait, wait, wait. No way, that's insane. What are you talking about? Strowman: All right, listen smart guy. You either enter the battle royal where you can hide behind other WWE superstars, or you hang around backstage with Michael, and I'll find you and take care of you two when you're all alone. Jost: He's not serious, right? Che: All right, Braun you got yourself a deal, Colin's in. Jost: What the hell are you doing, Che? Che: Listen, man, I know how these matches work, all right? There's a chance something bad will happen to you at the battle royal. But if Braun catches us backstage at Mania, ain't gonna be no chance that something definitely bad's gonna happen to you. It's a great idea, Braun. Colin will compete in the battle royal, and I guess I'll just have to solo guest correspond or something like that. Jost: No, no, no, no. All right, Che, you're the big WWE super fan. If I'm fighting the battle royal, so are you. Che: I don't know. Jost: Che's in too. Che: No, I don't think he wants it. Jost: Che's in too. Che: I don't think Jost: Che's in too. CROSSTALK Strowman: Look will you two shut up? Jost: No, no. Crowd of Boston: "Che's in too" Strowman: Shut up. Alexa, can you make this official? Bliss: Braun, listen. I'm the host of WrestleMania. I can't sacrifice two talented funny comedians just for your own amusement and bloodlust. Che: Thank God. Bliss: I'm just kidding. Che: We got. Bliss: I can totally make that happen. Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. Michael Che and Colin Jost are in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania. Strowman: And if you two decide to be cowards and not show up at WrestleMania, you'll wander the streets of New York City for the rest of your lives, wondering when you're gonna get these hands. Strowman ending theme entrance WrestleMania 35 Category:Transcripties of WWE Category:Transcripts